Social Media: Are You Doing It Right? (A series) Part 1: The Death of Facebook, And Why You're A Part of It

Welcome to a fun summer series that explores the ever-increasing role social media plays in our lives. If you’re anything like me and HC, you are probably pretty “plugged in.” This is not a bad thing…we’re simply a product of the times we live in. I enjoy the sense of community social media has brought into my life, but alas, many of you are simply not doing it right. Thank goodness I’m here to help!

I know I seem to talk about the perils of Facebook quite a bit (the now defunct blog “YoNishaCheckDisOut” comes to mind) but it’s only because so many of you are really damn annoying on there. I shouldn’t give away the age of HC and I, but it’s safe to say we were around since almost the beginnings of Facebook (remember when the only picture you could put up was your profile picture?!) Basically, we’ve seen it all, so heed my advice:

1)   Profile Pictures: If you are posting selfies (in a non-joking manner), you’re doing it wrong. We all hate you for doing it. Sure, putting your best face forward is important, but staging such a forced look implies that you are probably not a fun person and are possibly very insecure. I enjoy profile pictures that involve cool locations, celebrity encounters, milestones (graduations, babies, marriages, meeting your long-lost sibling), holiday outfits, and group pics with besties. Minus points for exclusively using couples pics (unless you guys are doing something cool: see above) and for using your cover photo as a second opportunity to post your face. (I honestly have a “friend” that does this?)

2)   Statuses: There is a lot to say about this, so maybe listing is again the best way to go. There are a shocking amount of people who do the Facebook Status incorrectly:

a)    My Life Sucks: A status is not really a great forum to complain about your life. Most people have to work or go to school, so you are not a unique butterfly. Also, we all feel uncomfortable when you take out the aggression of your love life via a status. You seem like a Debbie Downer.

b)   The Cryptic Message: Do you have a passive aggressive comment to make about a significant other, boss, or friend? The rest of us think you’re crazy, so don’t post it. We don’t get it, and in broader terms: we don’t get you.

c)    The Daily Planner Who Enjoys Lists: This is a major grievance of mine. I can’t believe you went to work, studied for a bit, worked out, and then made dinner. You are the first person in the history of the world to do this. (The previous two statements were sarcasm, in case you weren’t sure.) The minutia of your life depresses me. This criticism is also linked to the person who summarizes their whole weekend in a status. No one cares, bro.

d)   Continuously Tagging Friends in a Status: There are many  times it’s necessary to tag friends into a status, but inside jokes and birthday posts aren’t it. The Wall exists for a reason.

e)    My Life is So FUN AND EXCITING (a lie): If you are overselling your life, that’s false advertising. I know this is hard to discern (I also apparently struggle with this. I rarely post statuses, but I’ve recently had to block my mother, as she believes my social and dating life is way more exciting than it actually is.) Also, make sure you don’t suffer from a case of “Life Envy” when you look up others, because simply put: they are liars. I also tend to place statuses about your weight loss/fitness in this category. I’m kind of not that interested; I think Crossfit is good, not great.

f)     The Racist/Political Status: Posting about politics is rarely okay, especially if you sound like an asshole who misses life before the Civil Rights Movement. (Gun talk is included here.) I lump people who post these types of statuses as argumentative assholes who need more friends to talk to in real life.

g)    The status stealer: If you take a status DIRECTLY from someone else, it’s best to use the “share” button so we know who was really smarter/funnier/more aware and observant than you. This really grinds my gears.

Good news: sometimes statuses can be done right. They are fun ways to tell us if you’re out doing something cool, saw something funny (sometimes life observations are important to share!), or want to pass along a neat article that can spur productive dialogue, or more importantly, jokes. I also believe sports can be an okay thing to post about, and I even enjoy school pride (“Go blue!”) statuses on game days. Crowd-sourcing for opinions on movies, tv shows, life choices, and health conditions are also acceptable. Pictures are also okay to share, except when you post your dinner every night. I also ate dinner last night.

3)   “Liking” things you posted Yourself: thatz not okay. As NP astutely once said, on some level you must have approved of what you said/took a picture of…because, hey! You posted it. I approve of “liking” things quite a bit, as I find it a way to show solidarity. It just must be done judiciously.

4) When to know to defriend a bitch: I am also not GREAT at this, as I enjoy stalking people I don’t actually hang out with anymore. It’s fun to see what the old high school crowd is up to, and old crushes from years past. But when you don’t remember how you even know a person, or if your common link is that Spanish class you took together one semester…it’s time to defriend. A good litmus test is whether or not you want to wish someone a happy birthday. I have defriended someone for this reason, and it felt great. I also approve of defriending exes that you hate stalk (no good can come from this!) or people who violate the racist/politics status rules. It’s a fine line from using the “hide” button and defriending…annoyance isn’t a good enough reason to get rid of someone. (I literally stay friends with someone because every time she gets drunk, she posts a youtube video for every song she’s listening to, and I think it’s entertaining.) Remember: someone is probably hate stalking you too (how flattering?!)

Just a head’s up, I believe Facebook is dying (your misuse has contributed to this.) Is it AS socially relevant as it once was? I mostly interact with the same 15 people on Facebook, and use the rest of my time to stalk nobodys. Facebook is currently best used to avoid work; nothing more, nothing less. Will Facebook suffer the same fate as the now obsolete AOL instant messenger? Only time will tell. I’ve been told that either you are a Twitter person (next piece in the series!) or a Facebooker. Is this true, readers? I always enjoy input.

Will you change your Facebook ways?

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