It’s no secret that one of my favorite guilty pleasures is
the culturally relevant MTV megahit “Catfish.” (If I can find a guy that will
watch “Catfish” in bed with me as I gasp out loud/tear up during episodes and
still finds me semi-normal, I’ll know it’s real.) I’m pretty sure I’m the only
one of us that actually watches this show, so I thought a review would help me
get more of you interested and additionally, more willing to break out into small
discussion groups with me. I know online dating has a pejorative connotation
(thus making this show less attractive), but please suspend judgment until the
end of this article!
Why is Catfish so amazing?
The dating world has changed, my off-the-market comrades. As
your token single friend, I’m here to tell you why it is so horrifying and soul
crushing. Basically, dating has moved to the Internet, and it’s as bad as you’d
expect it to be. Actually, it’s worse than what you are probably imagining. “Catfish”
has illuminated everything depraved that can happen in an online tryst, but we
all benefit from having it captured on film. “Catfish” provides voyeurs like me
a chance to peek into the poor decision-making of others, and this is very
appealing to me for obvious reasons. This show is literally shock value at its
finest.
The story starts with a sensitive soul named Nev Shulman,
who filmed his experience of “falling in love” with an older, married woman who
was posing as a young, sexy singer. In his documentary, we watch him piece
together clues of who his “internet girlfriend” really is. To this day, my
favorite part of the documentary remains the immortal clip of him being filmed
shirtless (he’s HAIRY) in bed, wearing a retainer (!) and reading a racy sext
from his Catfisher out loud. I could die a thousand deaths from second-hand
embarrassment watching this. Nev (along with that silver haired fox, Max) has
thankfully turned his mortifying life choices into a lucrative TV show in which
he helps others confront their online love interests.
Are there other amazing “Catfish”
Moments?
I’m so glad you asked. I am going to list my favorite
moments from this searing exposé
of modern-day dating:
1.
A girl pretended to be a MALE model and seduced
a blonde, perky young woman. The female catfisher was not sorry, not even a
little bit.
2.
A female stripper thought she was talking to a
male stripper. He understandably was actually an older, out-of-shape married
man with kids.
3.
A girl catfished another girl to seek revenge.
She claims the girl she was catfishing stole a guy from her. Her revenge plot
is ABSOLUTELY normal. The catfisher pretended to be a guy for 2 years.
4.
A guy gave his bank account information to a
girl he met online. I wish this wasn’t a real thing that happened, but it was.
This same girl bought HERSELF a ring and passed it off to her friends as a gift
from him. Crazy attracts crazy.
5.
Michigan love: A guy thought he was talking to a
gorgeous girl, and even sent nudie pics(!) It was a guy, never a girl. This
episode was TV gold.
6.
A
[country bumpkin] guy fell in love with a “Miss America contestant.” It was
actually his female friend who was addicted to catfishing people, and liked him
but didn’t know how to tell him. They obviously no longer speak.
Does it ever work out?!
YES. Once in
awhile, the two weird kiddos fall in love despite the lies. A transgender
female pretended to be a guy so she could talk to another girl. THEY FELL IN
LOVE ANYWAYS, AND THIS IS SO GREAT. Last week, I saw hands down the best
“Catfish” episode ever, because there were no lies involved! A girl (Lauren)
started talking to a guy (Derek) when she was 14 years old, and they continued
talking for 8 YEARS. In this time,
Derek would never agree to Skyping, and had even turned down an in-person
meeting. During the 8 years, Lauren had a child and broke off an engagement to
another man because she was still “in love” with Derek. Nev and Max
investigated the situation, and thought Derek was actually an older African American man named La’ Vourne, and had kids or grandkids (my
heart couldn’t handle this.) During the reveal, we find out that Derek was
actually Derek, and was just really nervous he wouldn’t be the man Lauren
deserved. I literally screamed with shock and joy when I saw that she hadn’t
been Catfished, and that they really loved each other. (When any of us are
feeling down, we now say to each other “Aww, remember Lauren and Derek?”) THIS
EPISODE OF CATFISH MADE ME BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN.
What Lessons Can We Learn?
Don’t be fooled into thinking that I approve of finding love
on the internet based off of ONE story that worked out. There are many
attractive and luring aspects to creating an online/phone relationship with
someone…I totally get it. You can share things you wouldn’t normally share with
others, like intimate secrets or confessing your real feelings about things
going on in your life. The illusion of intimacy speeds up, and folks get
confused. The truth is, people inherently suck. Chances are, you’ll end up with
one of the liars, so HEED MY WARNING.
I didn’t think this Catfish cautionary tale was all that
relevant with my friend group until very recently, but it totally is. Last
night I was talking to a girlfriend that was going through a rough time with an
online dating situation, and my obvious answer was “watch Catfish.” (By the
way, true online dating…through a dating website…is absolutely tantamount to
the dreadfulness that is seen on “Catfish.”) My friend, [who has given me her blessings to vaguely share her story in the name of an important life lesson], was
talking to (dating?) a guy she met through a dating website long-distance
for MONTHS. She finally met him, and he was undeniably a nightmare
(not looks-wise, he looked the way he should…but personality and
intentions-wise); she is devastated. She was definitely emotionally catfished. SHE
WASTED ALMOST A YEAR ON A GUY SHE HAD PREVIOUSLY NEVER MET, TIME WHICH COULD HAVE
BEEN SPENT DATING SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE. This breaks my heart. Also, you guys,
he asked to “stay friends.” I think that’s a no-go, Chief. I wish we could
brand him with a Scarlet Letter ("D" for douche?) to warn other women.
You may ask, “UP, it sounds like a lot of effort to catfish
someone/be catfished. Why do these people keep trying to fall in love when they
could be falling asleep?” Simply put, my loyal readers: I don’t know. I suppose
it has something to do with the intrinsic human condition of wanting to love
and be loved, but I can’t say for sure. As we’ve established previously, I’m
not a psychological health professional. But we are not here to judge, we are
only here to watch in wide-eyed horror.
There is a lot to
learn from my friend, and “Catfish” in general:
1.
An online relationship is just that: online. You
need someone you can grab a hold of to make it real, and a computer or phone
just won’t cut it. If there hasn’t been a first kiss, how do you know ANYTHING?
(The First Kiss is extremely revealing.) Real love is tangible, and you’ll know
it when you see it. To be way harsh but REAL, out of site = out of mind.
2.
No matter what the person TELLS you, the truth
is he/she is only showing you the side of themselves that they want to show.
This means you’ll only hear about the good, never the bad. In “real life”
dating, you get a chance to eventually see the bad for yourself.
3.
Because of physical distance, you must realize
that you will never be a part of their Real Life. And believe me, there is a real life that they aren’t telling you
about. Chances are, the person’s real life includes a significant other. You
got it, he/she has been getting some this whole time. DON’T BE DUMB.
4.
If someone is in a hurry to tell you that they
love you, RUN. You can’t love someone you’ve never met, plain and simple. I
hate myself for doing this, but I have to quote the enduring classic “Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5: “Saying
I love you has nothing to do with meaning it.” You are just in love with the
idea of love, so take it easy.
5.
You run the risk of being shocked by the other
person’s appearance if you do happen to move things offline. Sorry, but most
people think they are better looking than they actually are. (There is a
scientific study about this, ask me if you really are interested.)
6.
An online relationship allows for too many easy
opportunities for people to misrepresent themselves (this can include gender
and sexual orientation, as we’ve seen.) The person you are talking to probably
does not have their life together, and might even be jobless. Say it with me: Ambition and passion are sexy. Better
to meet someone in person, and figure out if they have everything you are
looking for in a significant other.
7.
Come on, you guys were probably never ACTUALLY going
to meet. Save yourself from the headache and heartache and don’t waste time on
someone online when you could be out there meeting tons of weirdos in real
life. Real life dating allows you to move onto the next person way quicker once
you realize things aren’t going anywhere. Remember: if there was one guy (or
girl), there will definitely be another. NEXT!
Obviously, I enjoy “Catfish” for the tension of both wanting
things to go very badly (for the entertainment value) or to work out (for the
whole, awww, sometimes people are okay/there CAN be lovers in a dangerous time,
aka the prevailing age of technology.) I’m sorry I’m evil, but usually the side
of me that wants things to go dreadfully wrong wins.
If you are a Catfish victim, here is my only advice: the best way to get OVER someone is to get
UNDER someone else. And after that,
stay off the internet.
Have you ever been catfished OR catfished someone? Share!
-UP
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