How Do I Know if I’m (or a Loved One is) a Sociopath?*

 *Disclaimer: I am not qualified to diagnose or treat mental illnesses, and I have zero experience with sociopaths, except for watching the new smash summer hit “Twisted” on ABC Family. Do not misconstrue this article as medical advice.

I am an extremely observant person, and through my many years on God’s green earth, I have pieced together a profile of what I believe is a person that exhibits sociopathic tendencies. Note: do not feel worried if you demonstrate one to a few of these inclinations. That just means you are partially sociopathic, which is basically all of us.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS? (A Running List)

1.     You enjoy the plain flavored Sun Chips, even if other flavors are available.

2.     You are a “Morning Person” and feel genuinely okay when you first wake up. You do not hit snooze, and you feel cheerful and productive from 6-11am.

3.     You do not soak pots, pans, and coffee mugs if you leave the dishes for later/for someone else to do.

4.     Driving etiquette (many)

a.     You do not use turn signals when changing lanes in close proximity to other cars.

b.     You WEAR EARBUDS while driving, even though it’s kind of against the law.

c.      You text and drive, endangering all those around you so you can say “See you at happy hour.” (Jeez, we all knew you would go anyways, thanks for the play by play.)

d.     You tailgate in stop and go traffic.

e.     You smoke at gas stations.

5.     You can turn down chocolate/sweets/desserts easily, because you “just aren’t in the mood.”

6.     You say you aren’t a “music person.” (How do you workout? How do you feel happy? We are all music people, you monster.)

7.     You don’t find at least one of the following universally praised shows hilarious: Parks and Recreation, The Office, Arrested Development, or Community.

8.     Gym etiquette (also numerous)

a.     You work out in normal clothing, including Jorts. Also extremely disturbing---wearing a regular bra instead of a sports bra.

b.     You talk across the room to other people/use a cell-phone loudly.

c.      You stare at yourself in the mirror while you do CARDIO (not weight-lifting.)

d.     You drink carbonated beverages on machines.

e.     You run on the treadmill with your hair hanging down your back and don’t even make the motions to ask people for a ponytail holder. This would make a normal person want to die.

9.     You claim caffeine doesn’t affect you/you don’t need it to be happy. A unanimously acknowledged universal truth is that coffee drinkers are extremely content people.

10.  You didn’t even tear up a little the first time you saw “The Notebook.”

11. You leave “Read Receipts” on and don’t answer texts in a timely manner. This indiscretion counts double for the male gender.

12. You prefer cats to dogs, even if the dog in question is a PUPPY. (HC would like you to google “Corgi puppies” to see if this can rehabilitate you.)

13.  You don’t smile or laugh when a baby smiles or laughs. Can also add “does not coo at babies” to this.

14. You don’t make eye contact. MEET MY EYE LINE.

15.  You pretend to not care whether your teeth are white enough or not. That is a bold faced lie; this is something we all judge anytime we brush our teeth.

16. You can refrain from singing along to the timeless hit “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo, which is impossible for normal people to do.

17.  You think Beyonce is just good, not great. (Are you married to Jay Z? Okay then.)

18. You wear wrap-around sunglasses (see: Oakleys)

19. You enjoy SIPPING on vodka or rum, both of which taste like poison to non-socios when not in mixed drink/shot form.

20. You choose to not use toilet seat covers that are made available to you in public restrooms. (Also put walking out of a bathroom without washing your hands in this category.)

21. You write song quotes underneath couples’ pictures of you and your significant other all over social media.

22. You enjoy the band “Nickelback” and not ironically. (Can also add listening to country music almost exclusively)

23. You do NOT say “bless you” when someone sneezes.  

24. You like more than the allowed quota (1-3) of Taylor Swift songs.

25. You do not believe in evolution or global warming. You really don’t believe in science at all.

26. You say things like, “I’m not racist, BUT…” in which you still say something racist. (Can also include: You think Paula Deen has been getting a raw deal.)

27. You walk away from gchat convos without saying bye.

28.  You cannot recognize  “Mean Girl” quotes used in regular conversations. You can’t just ask people why they’re white, you know?

29.  You do not enjoy shopping, even its ultimate form, online. Even if there is free shipping/free returns. (PSA: HC says “My Habit” is no longer doing free shipping for returns!) Note: Do not confuse “enjoying shopping” with “I like to shop for jeans.” Most normal people do not enjoy shopping for jeans.

30. This list makes too much sense to you.  

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