All of Life’s Questions Can be Answered by “Mean Girls” Quotes: Why You Should Watch and Learn

A wise man once said, “The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? Leave the gun, take the cannoli. What day of the week is it? Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday. And the answer to your question is “Go to the mattresses.” You’re at war. It’s not personal, it’s business. It’s not personal, it’s business. Recite that to yourself every time you feel you’re losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave; this is your chance. Fight. Fight to the death."

Okay, that wasn’t a real person who said this. It was actually Tom Hanks’ character in the modern love story classic “You’ve Got Mail.” But his character was totally on to something…movies can impart endless amounts of life wisdom if you are aware enough to find it. I sadly must admit to never seeing more than about a half hour of ONE of the “Godfather” movies, but I HAVE seen “Mean Girls” about 800 times. Even after almost a decade, “Mean Girls” holds up as extremely relevant social/cultural commentary. 

1.  Random Girl: Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.

It’s definitely important to know when to apologize. You should always apologize for making fun of people’s appearances, especially when they can’t change this aspect of themselves.

2.  Karen: Gretchen, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it. And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

Being a good friend is probably the greatest lesson a person can learn in this lifetime. Good friends know embarrassing things about you, and love you anyways. The best friends take these embarrassing secrets to the grave with them.

         3. Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?

 Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do   you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you're going to drink I'd rather you do it in the house.

 We’re at that age where we have to think about what kind of parents we want to be/we already might be a parent. Your kids are going to fuck up, but yeah…probably better to do it at home first. Learning your tolerance is important, FYI. 

      

4. Cady: I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she'd look like a British man.

This quote just came up yesterday, as a group-text went out discussing the new pixie haircut Beyonce debuted. Sorry to say, but Queen Beyonce looks flawless. But to apply this in your everyday life, sometimes it feels good to say this about someone you are hate-stalking. But don’t say it out loud, because people might think you are judge-y.

5. Regina: But you're, like, really pretty.

Cady: Thank you.

Regina: So you agree? You think you're really pretty?

Know how to take a compliment! Or, in a pinch, do what I do when I get nervous: over-compliment the person you are talking to. I’ve made it this far?

6. Regina: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it?

Girl: It was my mom's in the '80s.

Regina: Vintage, so adorable.

Girl: Thanks.

Regina: [after girl walks away] That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.

This kind of goes with the previous quote; be generous with compliments, and save your snark for when you’re around your best friends who get that you can be kind of bitchy.

7. Karen: I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady: What do you mean?

Karen: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.

Be proud of the things you deem to be your strengths. Also, I am never dressed appropriately for the weather, so a good life tip is to CHECK WEATHER.COM. Or rely on your intuition, your choice. BE PREPARED! (Carry an umbrella.)

8. Damien: [reading the entry on himself from the Burn Book] "Too gay to function?"

Janis: That's only okay when I say it!

You can say mean things to your friends (to their face, not behind their back) and it’s all good. The MINUTE an outsider does it, be ready to throw down. And by throw down, I mean be passive-aggressive on Social Media.

9. Coach Carr: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.

There are consequences to casual sex, and death is one of them. Better to learn that early on, like in high school.

10. Gretchen: Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism.

Chicks before…I can’t type this without feeling awkward. So just don’t go for sloppy seconds, guys. It probably wouldn’t work out with this guy, since he has a history of being a jerk anyways (why else isn’t your friend still with him!?) And don’t forget, it’s never worth losing a friend over a guy! Plenty of fish in the sea for all of us (I think.)

11. Gretchen: That is so fetch!

Regina: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Trying to start a trend or new “It Thing” with your friends is really hard, so know your audience. For example, I now know that only my guy friends will watch “Lost” with me, even though I tried to make it happen with my girlfriends for about two years.

12. Karen: On Wednesdays we wear pink!

      

There are certain social morays and cultural norms that MUST be abided by. If not, you run the risk of not integrating. Keep your eyes peeled and your ear to the ground to figure out what is relevant to the social scene around you. Beware: if you don’t, you might not be socialized properly.

13. Cady: Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

I have been struggling with jealousy issues lately, and my little sister said a paraphrase of this quote to me after I said rude things (in confidence.) THAT’S SO TRUE, tearing someone else down won’t make you feel better, or change your situation.

14. Gretchen: [After confronting Regina for wearing sweatpants on the wrong day] YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!

               Stand your ground. That is all.

15. Gretchen: [Reading an essay out loud, talking about Regina] Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about Caesar? Hm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what Rome is about. We should totally just *stab* Caesar!

There is always an Alpha, and at times, accepting this fact is hard to swallow. You are totally allowed to crack sometimes, and vent about why you are just as capable of being an Alpha. Maybe you will REALIZE YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL! But don’t actually stab anyone; the Caesar thing is just a metaphor, guys.

16. Regina: Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?

I can’t tell you how many times my sisters and I say this to each other, which upon reflection, might be weird. But guys! Take note: your hair looks sexy pushed back. Look your best, and you will have two girls fighting over you.

17. Cady: [at a Mathletes competition] The limit does not exist!

This was quoted entirely too often in Freshman Calculus. This is kind of sad in a way, because we all found out at 18 that we were not unique butterflies. But beyond literal interpretation, there is a lot to be gleaned from this short phrase: THERE ARE NO LIMITS TO WHAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE! (Except maybe physical limits, but hopefully you are aware enough to figure that out for yourself.)

18. Damien: That’s why her hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.

Sometimes it’s good to keep secrets, especially in the interest of self-preservation or being a good friend. Loose lips sink ships! Also, pro-tip: the higher the hair, the closer to God. 

19. Girl: I don’t hate you ‘cause you’re fat. You’re fat ‘cause I hate you!

WORDS HAVE POWER! I still feel really bad when I think about the mean things kids in middle school said to other kids. I didn’t join in, but I didn’t stop anyone either. I can remember a girl that everyone called “Beaver” because of her large front teeth; was this the reason why she later in life decided to pose next to cars and post the pictures on Facebook and keep wearing Hot Topic clothing at the tender age of 28? We’ll never know for sure.

20. Regina: [Writing about herself in the Burn Book] "This girl is the nastiest skank bitch I've ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!"

This scene in the movie can reduce me to tears (from laughing, don’t worry.) Sometimes down playing your attributes can be a smart move. There’s definitely a fine line though, I’m not sure you should call yourself a “fugly slut” if you can help it. Self-deprecation borders on Debbie Downer status.

21. Cady: [Talking to Aaron in class] It’s October 3^rd.

Pretty literal, and can only be used once a year. But man, that one day is pretty fun.

22. Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?

Gretchen: Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.

Be completely respectful of race/ethnicity issues. For some reason, Social Media comes to mind…people say the best (worst) things on there about this issue. I have been called racially ambiguous, and must tell you that I don’t enjoy being asked “What are you?”

23. Damian: And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.

Sometimes this is fun to say when you take the last of something. But after some consideration, I’ve decided it probably isn’t adult to say this to people anymore after you take the last beer or something (especially if you laugh.) Maybe SPLIT the last beer! Sharing is caring, even if you are just sharing a buzz.

24. Janis: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness?

(Obviously said sarcastically) This is a good way to show your disgust for the Bro Lifestyle. This quote shines a light on the glaring obviousness that we are too old for these “awesome things.” Calm down, we’re too old to be Mean Girls now.

25. Damian: She doesn’t even go here!

Sometimes you force a friendship or relationship with someone you shouldn’t…they just aren’t fitting in/fitting in with you. This is acceptable thing to tell them when you end things, and they’ll understand completely. Also good to yell at an unknown girl at a party when she’s with a love interest/ex. (But throw your voice so no one knows it was you.)

26. Ms. Norbury: I'm a pusher Cady, I'm a pusher. I push people.”

It’s nice to motivate people to be the best versions of themselves, but beware: there is a fine line with “pushing people” until you push them away. Even Ms. Norbury admits it’s why she got a divorce and why Randy from Chase Visa keeps calling.

27. Girl: [reading from paper, crying] I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy...

Girllll, you and me both. Let’s work to make this world a better place!

Will you quote “Mean Girls” for the rest of the weekend? --UP

An Honest Review of MTV's "Catfish"---What We Can All Learn From Its Relevancy

It’s no secret that one of my favorite guilty pleasures is the culturally relevant MTV megahit “Catfish.” (If I can find a guy that will watch “Catfish” in bed with me as I gasp out loud/tear up during episodes and still finds me semi-normal, I’ll know it’s real.) I’m pretty sure I’m the only one of us that actually watches this show, so I thought a review would help me get more of you interested and additionally, more willing to break out into small discussion groups with me. I know online dating has a pejorative connotation (thus making this show less attractive), but please suspend judgment until the end of this article!

Why is Catfish so amazing?

The dating world has changed, my off-the-market comrades. As your token single friend, I’m here to tell you why it is so horrifying and soul crushing. Basically, dating has moved to the Internet, and it’s as bad as you’d expect it to be. Actually, it’s worse than what you are probably imagining. “Catfish” has illuminated everything depraved that can happen in an online tryst, but we all benefit from having it captured on film. “Catfish” provides voyeurs like me a chance to peek into the poor decision-making of others, and this is very appealing to me for obvious reasons. This show is literally shock value at its finest.

The story starts with a sensitive soul named Nev Shulman, who filmed his experience of “falling in love” with an older, married woman who was posing as a young, sexy singer. In his documentary, we watch him piece together clues of who his “internet girlfriend” really is. To this day, my favorite part of the documentary remains the immortal clip of him being filmed shirtless (he’s HAIRY) in bed, wearing a retainer (!) and reading a racy sext from his Catfisher out loud. I could die a thousand deaths from second-hand embarrassment watching this. Nev (along with that silver haired fox, Max) has thankfully turned his mortifying life choices into a lucrative TV show in which he helps others confront their online love interests.

Are there other amazing “Catfish” Moments?

I’m so glad you asked. I am going to list my favorite moments from this searing exposé of modern-day dating:

1.     A girl pretended to be a MALE model and seduced a blonde, perky young woman. The female catfisher was not sorry, not even a little bit.

2.     A female stripper thought she was talking to a male stripper. He understandably was actually an older, out-of-shape married man with kids.

3.     A girl catfished another girl to seek revenge. She claims the girl she was catfishing stole a guy from her. Her revenge plot is ABSOLUTELY normal. The catfisher pretended to be a guy for 2 years.

4.     A guy gave his bank account information to a girl he met online. I wish this wasn’t a real thing that happened, but it was. This same girl bought HERSELF a ring and passed it off to her friends as a gift from him. Crazy attracts crazy.

5.     Michigan love: A guy thought he was talking to a gorgeous girl, and even sent nudie pics(!) It was a guy, never a girl. This episode was TV gold.

6.      A [country bumpkin] guy fell in love with a “Miss America contestant.” It was actually his female friend who was addicted to catfishing people, and liked him but didn’t know how to tell him. They obviously no longer speak.

Does it ever work out?!

YES. Once in awhile, the two weird kiddos fall in love despite the lies. A transgender female pretended to be a guy so she could talk to another girl. THEY FELL IN LOVE ANYWAYS, AND THIS IS SO GREAT. Last week, I saw hands down the best “Catfish” episode ever, because there were no lies involved! A girl (Lauren) started talking to a guy (Derek) when she was 14 years old, and they continued talking for 8 YEARS. In this time, Derek would never agree to Skyping, and had even turned down an in-person meeting. During the 8 years, Lauren had a child and broke off an engagement to another man because she was still “in love” with Derek. Nev and Max investigated the situation, and thought Derek was actually an older African American man named La’ Vourne, and had kids or grandkids (my heart couldn’t handle this.) During the reveal, we find out that Derek was actually Derek, and was just really nervous he wouldn’t be the man Lauren deserved. I literally screamed with shock and joy when I saw that she hadn’t been Catfished, and that they really loved each other. (When any of us are feeling down, we now say to each other “Aww, remember Lauren and Derek?”) THIS EPISODE OF CATFISH MADE ME BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN. 

What Lessons Can We Learn?

Don’t be fooled into thinking that I approve of finding love on the internet based off of ONE story that worked out. There are many attractive and luring aspects to creating an online/phone relationship with someone…I totally get it. You can share things you wouldn’t normally share with others, like intimate secrets or confessing your real feelings about things going on in your life. The illusion of intimacy speeds up, and folks get confused. The truth is, people inherently suck. Chances are, you’ll end up with one of the liars, so HEED MY WARNING.

I didn’t think this Catfish cautionary tale was all that relevant with my friend group until very recently, but it totally is. Last night I was talking to a girlfriend that was going through a rough time with an online dating situation, and my obvious answer was “watch Catfish.” (By the way, true online dating…through a dating website…is absolutely tantamount to the dreadfulness that is seen on “Catfish.”) My friend, [who has given me her blessings to vaguely share her story in the name of an important life lesson], was talking to (dating?) a guy she met through a dating website long-distance for MONTHS. She finally met him, and he was undeniably a nightmare (not looks-wise, he looked the way he should…but personality and intentions-wise); she is devastated. She was definitely emotionally catfished. SHE WASTED ALMOST A YEAR ON A GUY SHE HAD PREVIOUSLY NEVER MET, TIME WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT DATING SOMEONE IN REAL LIFE. This breaks my heart. Also, you guys, he asked to “stay friends.” I think that’s a no-go, Chief. I wish we could brand him with a Scarlet Letter ("D" for douche?) to warn other women.

You may ask, “UP, it sounds like a lot of effort to catfish someone/be catfished. Why do these people keep trying to fall in love when they could be falling asleep?” Simply put, my loyal readers: I don’t know. I suppose it has something to do with the intrinsic human condition of wanting to love and be loved, but I can’t say for sure. As we’ve established previously, I’m not a psychological health professional. But we are not here to judge, we are only here to watch in wide-eyed horror.

There is a lot to learn from my friend, and “Catfish” in general:

1.     An online relationship is just that: online. You need someone you can grab a hold of to make it real, and a computer or phone just won’t cut it. If there hasn’t been a first kiss, how do you know ANYTHING? (The First Kiss is extremely revealing.) Real love is tangible, and you’ll know it when you see it. To be way harsh but REAL, out of site = out of mind.

2.     No matter what the person TELLS you, the truth is he/she is only showing you the side of themselves that they want to show. This means you’ll only hear about the good, never the bad. In “real life” dating, you get a chance to eventually see the bad for yourself.

3.     Because of physical distance, you must realize that you will never be a part of their Real Life. And believe me, there is a real life that they aren’t telling you about. Chances are, the person’s real life includes a significant other. You got it, he/she has been getting some this whole time. DON’T BE DUMB.

4.     If someone is in a hurry to tell you that they love you, RUN. You can’t love someone you’ve never met, plain and simple. I hate myself for doing this, but I have to quote the enduring  classic “Harder to Breathe” by Maroon 5: “Saying I love you has nothing to do with meaning it.” You are just in love with the idea of love, so take it easy.

5.     You run the risk of being shocked by the other person’s appearance if you do happen to move things offline. Sorry, but most people think they are better looking than they actually are. (There is a scientific study about this, ask me if you really are interested.)

6.     An online relationship allows for too many easy opportunities for people to misrepresent themselves (this can include gender and sexual orientation, as we’ve seen.) The person you are talking to probably does not have their life together, and might even be jobless. Say it with me: Ambition and passion are sexy. Better to meet someone in person, and figure out if they have everything you are looking for in a significant other.

7.     Come on, you guys were probably never ACTUALLY going to meet. Save yourself from the headache and heartache and don’t waste time on someone online when you could be out there meeting tons of weirdos in real life. Real life dating allows you to move onto the next person way quicker once you realize things aren’t going anywhere. Remember: if there was one guy (or girl), there will definitely be another. NEXT!

Obviously, I enjoy “Catfish” for the tension of both wanting things to go very badly (for the entertainment value) or to work out (for the whole, awww, sometimes people are okay/there CAN be lovers in a dangerous time, aka the prevailing age of technology.) I’m sorry I’m evil, but usually the side of me that wants things to go dreadfully wrong wins.

If you are a Catfish victim, here is my only advice: the best way to get OVER someone is to get UNDER someone else.  And after that, stay off the internet.

Have you ever been catfished OR catfished someone? Share!

-UP